Friday, December 5, 2014
Thesis- North Korea
North Korea's isolationism and totalitarianism is the result the division of the Koreas and has been kept alive dictators determined to keep power and the people's loyalty to the state; North Korea's poverty and prison camps have been hidden from international news until recently, along with threats of nuclear war on the United States and other Western powers; this totalitarian state can be saved if the people of North Korea were shown the freedoms that the people of other nations have and turn them away from their leader.
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To start off, you have a few awkward sounding phrases in your thesis. The first part of your thesis where you say "...is the result the division of the Koreas.." sounds very awkward. I am not sure what you meant by this. It may just be a typo or you forgot a word there. Also, you say, "... has been kept alive dictators determined to keep power..." I think for this part you forgot a word between alive and dictators. Maybe the word "by"? The last little awkward section is the last phrase. The only problem is it kind of sounds wordy, so you may want to divide it up in some way or take something out. Overall, this is a very good thesis with clear subtopics and ideas made. The only major problems are awkward phrases.
ReplyDeleteI pretty much agree with Joe here. I think your structure is good, as the thesis statement is clearly divided into three parts to address the three subtopics. From what I gather, it seems that this can be easily covered in the required page limit. However, it is awkward and wordy.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the grammar and word choices that Joe highlighted. Here are other things that don't make sense to me:
1. You passively worded the second part of the thesis. I think that it would be more effective if you worded it actively.
2. Also in the second part, you say that poverty and prison camps have been hidden along with threats of nuclear war on Western powers. When I read this, I think that North Korea has been hiding their threats on Western powers, which doesn't make sense to me. Is this what you mean by that?
3. In the third part, just say "North Korea" instead of "this totalitarian state"--it seems wordy and awkward to reuse "totalitarian".
4. You use passive voice again in the third part; just use active voice. It is much more effective and much less awkward.
5. The last part of the third part--"and turn them away from their leader"--is not grammatically correct. To make it fit with the thesis how it currently reads, it should be "and were turned away from their leader". However, this is passive voice, and I strongly recommend rewording the thesis to get rid of that.
You're on the right track but need to condense your thesis for better flow. I also have a question about your last clause - how can the international community show "freedom" in a society in which information and access to the outside world is restricted?
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