Friday, December 5, 2014
Thesis- Saudi Women Religious Conflicts
In Saudi Arabia, women are hidden from society because they are belittled from education, politics, and marriage. Educationally, most Saudi women were not provided with schooling because their families never permitted it. Politically, women have no say in government or the right to vote. Saudi women also have their husbands chosen for them during their teenage years.
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Good things: It is very good that your thesis is straightforward and to-the-point. Also, it very clearly shows that your essay will be organized in terms of education, politics, and marriage. This is a good framework that will be very helpful when you make your outline. It answers your HQ by giving information about women's rights in Saudi Arabia.
ReplyDeleteStructure suggestions: Your thesis has to be 1 sentence, so add semicolons even if it seems long. You should also address each of the three sections (history, news, international plan) separately and distinct from each other. Also, it seems like the three sentences that describe the first sentence are kind of just giving facts, not an argument. You should try to have an identifiable stance that also gives you clear areas for further study. If not, it will be easy to just summarize what is happening and forget to analyze why they happened, what their effect is, etc. Your HQ says religious and social rights, but you did not discuss any ways in which freedom of religion was violated. Also, for whatever class theme you chose (nationalism, globalization, etc) it will be useful to say that term in the thesis.
Minor word choice suggestions: in the first sentence, it does not make sense to say that women are hidden because they are belittled. This phrasing makes it seem like peoples' motives for hiding women is that women already have an inferior position in education/politics/marriage. Maybe you could say "and" instead of "because." Also, try to clarify who or what is hiding and belittling them (even through later in the thesis the reader finds out that it is family and laws, it will be clearer to define who it is in that same sentence). "Belittled from" seems a little awkward so I would maybe change the phrasing around. But don't get rid of the word belittled because it is a very strong word that gives the thesis extra power and emphasis. You correctly avoided overgeneralization in the sentence about education by saying 'most,' but you should also do so for the sentences about politics and marriage. You can consider the word 'suffrage' to use instead of 'the right to vote' because it sounds very fancy. "Have no say in" is kind of informal, so maybe you could say 'cannot participate in' or something like that. Another thing you could clarify is who chooses the husbands in the last sentence. You can infer that it is the families who do so, but if you specified it would clear things up. Also in that sentence, it might save you some space if you say "Saudi teenagers" instead of "Saudi women ... during their teenage years.' You have a few instances of passive voice (women are hidden, they are belittled, women were not provided, have their husbands chosen), so you could maybe change those. For example, "Were not provided with schooling" could be replaced by "did not attend school".
Overall it is a good thesis, especially because of the clear subtopics and organization. It only needs a little work in structure, and all the word choice things are not necessary changes but they could make it better.
To start off, I believe that with your thesis statement it should all be one sentence. Rather than using periods in between your thoughts, I would suggest finding a way that you could use semi-colons to connect them. Next, I think your sentences that start with "Politically" and "Educationally" sound a bit awkward. It would make a little bit more sense if you just added the ideas into your sentence rather than using them as a transition. Maybe say "In terms of education" or something. Lastly, I think that adding the fact of husbands being chosen for them is a topic a little too specific for your thesis statement and should probably be moved to somewhere in your body paragraph. Overall, this thesis is not bad in terms of your subtopics, but it should be structured a little bit differently, starting off with making it one sentence.
ReplyDeleteYour thesis should be your whole argument in one sentence. Also, make sure that you address all parts of the argument including the news/media analysis and the role of the international community.
ReplyDelete